I ran across this article today.
Hilarious.
My personal favorites:
5. In some inevitable shift of the time-space continuum in which James
Cameron continues to rob humanity of all that is good and sacred in this
world, Fern Gully will be known as that movie that ripped off Avatar. It will be up to us to crusade for what is right. It is up to us to explain that Fern Gully was not only a predecessor to Avatar,
but far better, in that it contained both Tim Curry as a singing pile
of molasses and Robin Williams rapping about animal testing in the
pharmaceutical industry. (As a side note, if you have not recently
listened to the full lyrics of the “Batty Rap,” I recommend you do, as
they are horrifying.)
I. Loved. Fern. Gulley. It also scared the crap out of me. Something about the singing slime monster just creeped me out.
7. Though on the surface, they are the exact same thing in every
conceivable way, whether you liked The Backstreet Boys or N*SYNC said
more about your character than all of the terrible macaroni art you
could ever make for your child psychologist. Essentially, liking *NSYNC
meant you liked Justin Timberlake, as he was clearly the Seabiscuit in
that race from the get-go. You even liked him with his terrible,
icy-blond mini-fro. Liking the Backstreet Boys gave you a bit more of a
cultured palate, as there was no clear Diana in those Supremes. Nick was
kind of the wholesome, if northern-Florida-redneck safe choice (save
for his humiliating younger brother, Aaron). Brian was the shy,
sensitive type. AJ was the hottt, dangerous meth addict. Kevin
Richardson was mute with sexy, sculpted facial hair. No one liked Howie.
Choosing between the two groups was like choosing between two beloved
children, but once that line was crossed–there was no going back.
I'm an NSync girl till the day I die. But I loved Lance, and I feel like that says a lot about me.
8. “I wanna really really really wanna zig a zig ahh,” has a meaning,
and all true nineties kids know it, but we must never share it. Like the
Illuminati, it must remain between us, the keyholders. With great power
comes great responsibility.
Ah yes. Spice Girls. We used to play Spice Girls in elementary school. I was small, I was blonde, I was born to be Baby. But my mom never let me see Spice World.
9. Lisa Frank is not the name of a woman, it is the name of a
movement, a culture, a way of living. It is a theory, a concept, a
belief in something greater than yourself. It is the belief that all
girls are entitled to dolphins covered with rainbows, jewel-encrusted
frogs, and unicorns in acid-trip colors hugging each other. It is the
ideology that no notebook is complete until it literally hurts your eyes
to look at from so much color saturation. It is the hope that no school
supply, no matter how insignificant, will be left un-bedazzled. It is
the knowledge that your eraser cap, and that of your granddaughter’s,
and her granddaughter’s after her, will not be some boring little nub–it
will be a diamond covered with butterflies in a rainbow of colors. It
is the dream of a better tomorrow.
Accurate. Too accurate. How many Lisa Frank folders did I have? Too many.
10. Incredibly depressing women in Indiana covered in cats and glass
figurines they buy at The Hallmark Store used to troll the web 1.0 to
invest thousands of dollars in tiny stuffed animals filled with plastic
beans. That happened. Beanie Babies were not just significant, they were
the first example most of us had of envy, greed, and wrath. If someone
messed up that little heart-shaped Ty tag, so help you God, that was the
end of whatever contact you had with that monster of a human being.
That tag-less Beanie Baby was now trash, and you had to deal with the
consequence. It was at that moment, that de-valued Beanie Baby moment,
that most of us accepted the truth… we’ll never have nice things.
I CRINGE at this one. I have a MILLION Beanie Babies. I have the full set of cats named Flip, Skip, Chip, Whip, Zip, Kip, Dip, Lip (I don't even know, I'm making that up at this point). But I remember I had a beautiful unicorn one named Mystic that I brought to show and tell. AND GUESS WHAT HAPPENED. My so-called "friend" ripped the tag off. I'm pretty sure I cried. And never spoke to her again.
OMGGGGGG story of my liiiiiiiiiiiife. i begged my mom for lisa frank stuff not lame-o rose art crap. i also was a n*sync girl, still am. JT 4 lyfe = <33333333. wasn't allowed to watch spice girls, or listen to it, but as soon as i was old enough to rebel i looked up all the songs...
ReplyDeleteThe Lisa Frank paragraph spoke to me.
ReplyDeleteI used to have that penguin Lisa Frank folder. It was my math folder in third grade. :D And, FYI, AJ McLean NEVER EVER did meth. He did cocaine aka coke. And last time i checked, nick Carter NEVER humiliated Aaron. Brian was not the shy, sensitive one either. That was howie, or he came off as shy but isn;t, and he has said himself he is sensitive. Kevin isn't mute either. He isn't quiet all the time. And yes, people do like howie. Me, and a few of my friends plus many others. Just thought i'd let you know.
ReplyDelete